Finding a purpose in death

Granddaughter's death inspires doctor to write book

The Daily Inter Lake

After his long career as a doctor, Jerrold Johnson was used to dealing with death.

He sometimes lost patients. In the late 1970s, he helped start the Flathead Valley's first hospice. He often delivered eulogies for friends and patients who didn't attend church.

But death became personal when his 2-year-old granddaughter, Katie, died of a rare genetic disorder in 1993. Monochromatic leukodystrophy stole her balance and wasted her muscles before finally, mercifully, claiming her life.

"She deteriorated so fast, it was a blessing when she died," Johnson said.

Katie's death angered her parents. They were bitter and angry with God for allowing their cherished little girl to die.

Johnson might have had the same reaction if not for his firm belief that God was the first to cry when someone dies. Everything, even death, has a purpose, he thought.

That belief didn't assuage his grief, however. To help him process the loss of his little granddaughter, Johnson told Katie's story through the eyes of the rocking horse she loved. He later added illustrations, and last year, Xlibris Corp. published the finished work as "Horse and the Little Girl."

Johnson hopes the story will help others through their grieving.

"If life is a gift, then death is part of the giving," he said. "The sooner you come to terms with it, the better."

Johnson came to terms with death at an early age. As a child in rural South Dakota, he was accustomed to the sight of frozen horse and cattle carcasses stacked in the back of a stock truck. He can still remember the name of a neighbor who died of pneumonia 68 years ago, when Johnson was 6 years old.

An interest in death may be one reason he became a doctor.

"As a physician, death has been an integral part of my life," Johnson wrote in an essay titled "Part of the Given." "An unspoken reason for choosing medicine as a career is an interest in death's mystery."

Johnson worked in Whitefish as a family practice physician for 30 years before moving with his wife, Margaret, to Reno, Nev. There he worked with veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and helped them deal with the death they'd witnessed and survived.

Dealing with death, he said, is one area in which the United States lags far behind the rest of the world.

"Americans are not very sensible about death," he said. "I personally think this is one of the reasons terrorism is such a big deal in the United States."

Americans act like they're immortal instead of accepting death as a natural part of life, he explained. They go to great lengths to postpone the inevitable.

It's a pattern Johnson hopes his book will address - and he believes it may be especially useful for the country's youngest generation.

"I would like little kids to understand that death is a reality," he said.

He realizes it's a heavy topic for children but believes they are capable of dealing with the subject. His daughter-in-law read "Horse and the Little Girl" to her children, ages 2, 4 and 6, with no adverse consequences.

"They dealt with it just fine," Johnson said. "And it's got a happy ending, so that helps."

He particularly wants to communicate what he believes is true of God.

"My concept of God is love. If someone dies and you care, that's God in action," he said. "God is always the first to care when someone dies."

Katie's parents didn't believe this when she died, Johnson said. His son, Katie's father, wouldn't allow Johnson to publish the story he'd written - the earliest form of "Horse and the Little Girl."

But a little over 10 years later, after time had brought a little healing, Johnson's son asked him about the story.

"He said, 'Dad, when are you going to do something about that book?'" Johnson said. "I think he thought it was a good story, and it probably should be told."

So two years ago, Johnson brought out the story and began creating illustrations to accompany it. He asked an artist friend to critique his work and contacted an editor in Bozeman, where he and Margaret now live.

After learning it could take years to get his book printed, Johnson decided to publish it himself.

"And frankly, I didn't want anybody to edit it," he said.

"Whether you like it or not, that's me. I'm happy with how it turned out."

He wants to make the book available in places like hospices and hospitals, where it may prove useful for people, particularly families. It's also available from the publisher at www2.xlibris.com.

"I didn't go into this with the idea of making a big profit," he said. "I went in with the idea of service, and if people get use out of it, I'll feel good about it."

"If this thing succeeds, I don't know if I will be surprised or not. You never know how these things will go," he added. "If I never sell a single book, I'm happy.

"This moved me, so I thought maybe it would move other people as well."

Reporter Kristi Albertson may be reached at 758-4438 or by e-mail at kalbertson@dailyinterlake.com.