You call that a knife? This is a knife!

A man in a bright orange Broncos sweatshirt was allegedly seen checking car door handles, according to Kalispell Police Department logs. When confronted, the suspect reportedly brandished a knife. But the man who confronted the suspect pulled out his own knife and pushed the suspect down.

All right, all right, all right: A party at the moon tower was in the works after some kids grabbed a bunch of beer and ran out of a store. All totaled, they made off with a pair of 30-packs. There was surveillance footage of the getaway.

A litter bug was busted and promptly cited.

Chunks of ice were being chucked into a resident’s yard by a neighbor using a snowblower. The caller allegedly had video footage of the neighbor blowing the chunks.

A man in an orange sweatshirt was seen hanging around a dumpster with a woman in a camo hoodie. It all seemed rather suspicious.

A woman said she was passed by another driver very closely and a rock hit her windshield. She followed the suspected rock flinger and asked if he would pay for the damage. He wasn’t interested.

A young boy was taken to the ER after getting into his grandmother’s sleeping pills.

A man said that his friend was assaulted downtown by a local rapper. He said the rap artist screamed at his friend, then punched him.

An attempted shoplifter was thwarted by a watchful employee. The woman reportedly had purses stuffed with jewelry and so much stuff in her cart that it kept falling out. She was trespassed from the store.

A caller said two men were in his parking lot, supposedly dealing with a dead battery. The caller wanted them gone and requested extra patrol.

A juvenile male took off running after police stopped to talk with him downtown. He was snagged a few blocks away.

A short and dirty “freak” holding a sleeping bag was scaring the reporting party’s mother.

An ex-employee was seen cruising around a caller’s property. The woman wasn’t welcome there and the caller asked that she be formally trespassed.

A woman was seen passed out in her Hummer at a gas station. She was given a ride home.

The reported “calls of a lonesome hound dog” were unfounded by this poetic officer. Only the sounds of “exuberant birds sweetly singing in the sunshine of an adolescent spring” were heard, he reported to dispatch.