Holiday queries for the real world

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Just copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you… 'Tis the Season to be jolly!

This was the beginning of an e-mail I received from a friend recently, which for all I know had been circulated through 250 million other people by the time my name hit the list.

It doesn't specify if you will have your flesh devoured by a legion of termites if you don't answer these questions, but in the tradition of threatening chain letters of olden days, refusing to play along might not be worth the risk.

Some of the questions are below. Answering them has made me realize I will never be a shining example of domestic holiday diva-ness, but I'll learn to live with this.

Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper, whatever is not to too beat up after being stored for a year too close to the pingpong table.

Real tree or artificial? Real, usually somewhat scraggly, culled from the woods next to the house. (No permit required.)

Do you have a nativity scene? No, but we have a 1950s candle scene of wax musicians arranged next to wax trees and a wax lamppost. The choir girls are in perpetual danger of being smashed by the lamppost, which tends to tip after melting slightly during the summer.

Favorite gift received as a child? The learn-to-draw set that took me through the various steps of creating many artful pencil sketches. With all that training, later I was able to master horse heads. (The horse was always drawn standing behind a stall door - horse bodies were the only thing standing between myself and a serious art career.)

Favorite Christmas movie? To boost your Christmas spirit, I recommend logging on to YouTube and calling up a three-minute film about a goofy elf trio, "Hardrock, Coco and Joe." My oldest son showed this to me after one of his teachers shared it in a class at Flathead. My son really likes this teacher, and I can see why. The man understands the genuine entertainment value of 1950s animation at its most wooden set to a Christmas-themed yodeling song, featuring a creepy Santa with severe dental issues and an elf with a voice deeper than Darth Vader's. Centaur Productions also was responsible for "Suzy Snowflake," a short featuring a mildly faceless sprite who flits around the sky making innocent 1950s-style mischief. It also made a primitive production of "Frosty the Snowman," sort of like an MTV video set to the famous song, though none of the animated children jumps into a hot tub and Frosty sports nothing more sexy than a strangely whittled waistline.

Clear lights or colored on the tree? Colored, but isn't this term politically incorrect?

Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? No, but I can name the politically correct plural of the word "reindeer."

Favorite Christmas song? I'm kind of a traditionalist, so I'll say, "A Patrick Swayze Christmas," possibly the first Christmas carol to feature a kick-butt action sequence. It was written by Crow T. Robot as a tribute to his favorite movie "Roadhouse" for the "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" episode of "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians" and available on YouTube. I haven't seen the "Martians" movie itself, but it is wrong not to own a DVD of this episode, described as a 1960s "grade Z" movie in which Santa is kidnapped by Martians trying to cheer up their depressed offspring.

Most annoying thing about this time of year? The fact that "this time of year" seems to begin well before Halloween in the retail world.

The last answer may have been less than jolly (in defiance of the strict instructions in the opening paragraph of questionnaire), so I probably shouldn't answer the rest of the questions, which involve cookies, eggnog, gifts, Christmas cards and holiday decorations.

I don't care much for eggnog, so I would hate to be labeled anti-Christmas if I get too detailed on this one.

At least, though, I think I've answered enough questions to keep the chain-letter police off my back.

Reporter Heidi Gaiser may be reached at 758-4431 or by e-mail at hgaiser@dailyinterlake.com