What you can learn from spam

On any given day, the spam filters watching over our newsroom computers are working overtime. They ruthlessly divert hundreds of unsolicited e-mails (and sometimes a few crucial e-mails we really needed) to the abyss known as the "junk mail" folder.

But spam filters are not perfect, and we get plenty of annoying solicitations because everyone wants to pitch their story idea. Here's a sampling of what's come through my e-mail in the last week or so:

"Beware! Head Lice is Everywhere!"

Really? Head lice is everywhere? I don't have head lice and I'm sure no one in the newsroom has it, so this is a bald-faced lie. Would an alarmist headline like this make me more likely to write a story about tips to prevent head lice? In a word, no.

Here's another story suggestion that came the other day: "Danger! Top 10 Thanksgiving Table Talk Landmines." This one perhaps has possibilities.

"Thanksgiving can mean the ideal family get-together or a day of awkward moments, uncomfortable silences and eruptions of family feuds," the e-mail confides that it lists those "landmines," taken from Debra Fine's new book, "The Fine Art of Small Talk."

Here are those 10 things you should never talk about over a turkey dinner (and please note that I've never chided my own mother for using Cool Whip):

1. "Are you two ever going to get married?"

2. "No, thanks. I gave up drinking after I saw the toll it took on you."

3. "When are you two going to make me a grandmother?"

4. "Cool Whip is interesting. Did you ever think of serving the real stuff instead?"

5. "Aren't you full yet?" or "Why aren't you eating anything?"

6. "Yes, I know you're a parent. But haven't you ever thought about working?"

7. "I see you still can't be bothered with ironing a blouse."

8. "How is it that your son looks just like you and your daughter looks like she could be from a different family?"

9. ""Did you cook this yourself, or did you just thaw it out?"

10. "Forget this poison nonsense - just spread the legs open and stuff it in, the way that I always do."

While we're on the subject of Thanksgiving, yet another e-mail asks the question we've all been dying to know: "What do Thanksgiving and TV Dinners have in common?" I know I've lost sleep over this one.

After some marketing hack finishes his cyber spiel about Tim Zagat's new book, "Moveable Feasts," the very bottom of the e-mail reveals the answer to their probing question: The TV dinner was invented by Swanson because the company needed to dispose of thousands of tons of unsold turkey after a poor Thanksgiving season in 1953.

I'm feeling like I've learned something here, and I'm about to learn more when I click on the e-mail that explains how to navigate small talk at holiday office parties. One thing I have learned is that spammers love the opportunity of a holiday to make their pitches.

These small-talk tips are taken from Don Gabor's new book, "How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends." His suggestions seem like no-brainers:

DON'T wait for men to always break the ice.

DON'T reveal too many of your "feelings" or only talk about family or friends.

DO talk about upbeat and high-interest subjects.

DO be interested and interesting.

Just a hunch, but I don't see Gabor's book becoming a best seller.

Features editor Lynnette Hintze may be reached at 758-4421 or by e-mail at lhintze@dailyinterlake.com