Terms of surrender: An early rough draft

FRANK MIELE

Last week, as the nation prepared to celebrate Veterans Day to honor our nation?s war heroes, we learned that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had scheduled another bill in the House to force the president to withdraw troops from Iraq. Although such a bill of surrender would be vetoed by President Bush, it is just a matter of time before he is no longer in office.

Therefore, in anticipation of a possible Democratic victory in November 2008, this column today provides a national service by offering up a draft of the terms of surrender which Congress can present to the new president for his or her signature before forwarding them to Osama bin Laden in his cave in Pakistan.

As much as possible, bin Laden?s actual words were used in the surrender, so that people would know what they were surrendering to.

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A Rough Draft

of Surrender

The United States of America does hereby concede that its military power and economic strength are no match for the tiny but indomitable foe known as al-Qaida.

We acknowledge and admit that the complaints made by the great warrior Osama bin Laden in his 1996 fatwa entitled ?Declaration of War against the Americans Occupying the Land of the Two Holy Places? were entirely correct, that the United States was wrong to negotiate with the Saudi kingdom to place military bases there when we sought to free Kuwait from Iraqi domination, wrong to sell arms to Saudi Arabia and other Arab states, wrong to arrest the Muslim clerics and their followers who plotted our destruction, wrong to call members of al-Qaida ?coward terrorists,? and wrong to proclaim U.S. power when we could not even remain in Somalia after a few dozen soldiers were killed.

We acknowledge and admit also that the complaints made by the great warrior Osama bin Laden in his untitled 1998 fatwa declaring war against the West and Israel were just and justifiable and that the great warrior is beyond reproach and blameless. We admit that we occupied the holy land of Islam beginning in 1991 during the first Gulf War and stayed there like occupying Crusaders. We acknowledge that we tried to destroy Iraq in order ?to serve the Jews? petty state and divert attention from its occupation of Jerusalem and murder of Muslims there.? Moreover, we acknowledge and confirm that our many crimes and sins were ?a clear declaration of war on God, his messenger and Muslims.?

Therefore, the 1998 fatwa of Osama bin Laden calling on all Muslims ?to kill the Americans and their allies ? civilian and military? was entirely appropriate and the followers of the great warrior shall not be considered enemies but heroes for their part in making sure that ?justice and faith in God? prevailed against the infidel foolishness of our previous U.S. leaders.

Moreover, we acknowledge that in the wake of the destruction of our centers of hatred and oppression known as the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, we falsely spread fear of Islam, which is a religion of peace. Let it be known that from this day forward, the people of the United States accept all religions equally and especially Islam, which is the greatest religion of all. Any insults against Islam or the Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) are the work of scurrilous dogs and will not be tolerated.

We acknowledge and accept the words of the great warrior Osama bin Laden from a speech posted on the Internet on April 27, 2006, regarding the Danish cartoons and other insults against the Prophet, when he said, ?The freethinkers and heretics who defame Islam, and mock and scorn our noble Prophet ? their case and the law concerning them have been clearly expounded by Imam Ibn Qayyim. He made it clear that the crime committed by a freethinker is the worst of crimes, that the damage caused by his staying alive among the Muslims is of the worst kind of damage, that he is to be killed, and that his repentance is not to be accepted.?

We further acknowledge and confirm that we accept Osama bin Laden?s wise words when he said, ?Indeed, this is our Prophet?s law regarding anyone who mocks him, and belittles Islam and scorns it… They should be killed… Take an example from Muhammad ibn Maslama and his companions [who assassinated the poet Ka?b ibn Al-Ashraf]. It is intolerable and outrageous that the heretics are among us, scorning our religion and our Prophet. Therefore, you must fear Allah and do His will. Do not consult anyone about the killing of these heretics. Be secretive in carrying out that which is required of you. So much for the apostate heretics.?

And finally, we do acknowledge that former President Bush is a liar and a master of deceit as the warrior bin Laden has declared, but also we admit that even before George W. Bush appeared on the scene, the American people had already ?put themselves at the mercy of a disloyal government, and this is most evident in [Bill] Clinton?s administration,? as bin Laden told the world in an interview in May 1998. Bin Laden was correct when he declared then that the ?[Clinton] administration represent[ed] Israel inside America. Take the sensitive ministries such as the Ministry of Exterior and the Ministry of Defense and the CIA, you will find that the Jews have the upper hand in them. They make use of America to further their plans for the world, especially the Islamic world. American presence in the Gulf provides support to the Jews and protects their rear. And while millions of Americans are homeless and destitute and live in abject poverty, their government is busy occupying [Arab] land and building new settlements and helping Israel build new settlements in the point of departure for [the] Prophet?s midnight journey to the seven heavens. America throws her own sons in the land of the two Holy Mosques for the sake of protecting Jewish interests.?

In conclusion, we acknowledge bin Laden?s warning in 1998 that, ?The American government is leading the country towards hell. … We say to the Americans as people and to American mothers, if they cherish their lives and if they cherish their sons, they must elect an American patriotic government that caters to their interests not the interests of the Jews…. This is my message to the American people. I urge them to find a serious administration that acts in their interest and does not attack people and violate their honor and pilfer their wealth.?

This administration confirms: Message received and heard. Our troops are coming home. Our tail is between our legs. Our future is in your hands.

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It should be noted that the preceding statement of surrender is a rough draft only. It is understood that the new Democratic administration and Congress may have to insert additional groveling in order to fully satisfy the Islamic fundamentalists and to establish once and for all our national defeat and disgrace.

n Frank Miele is managing editor of the Daily Inter Lake. E-mail responses may be sent to edit@dailyinterlake.com