Obama's wee small promises

I see that Sen. Obama in his coronation speech the other night promised to turn back the waters of the ocean - or did he say he had already done it?

In either case, I am happy to report that we are now living in a new era of peace and prosperity, which only the very cynical among us could doubt.

Here are the words of Barack Obama himself, which confirm for all who have ears to hear, that the chains of humanity and nature have at last been thrown aside and mankind can finally claim to be masters of the universe.

"… I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on earth. This was the moment - this was the time - when we came together to remake this great nation so that it may always reflect our very best selves and our highest ideals."

Think of it! Providing care for the sick! I'm surprised no one had thought of that before, but glad it is finally being done (as of this "moment"). This could actually be very good for doctors, too.

And of course "good jobs" for the jobless! That is a great thing (although I am not sure whether the people in bad jobs will be happy to see the good jobs going to the people who didn't even want to work in the first place). And "good jobs" probably means good pay, too, so I am glad to see that we can all afford that new car we were hoping to buy this year. Good jobs also means a good economy! Bravo! (There is no word yet on whether the good economy will include lower gas prices, but surely good jobs means that we will be able to afford higher gas prices. Hallelujah!)

Anyway, this is where we get to my favorite sign of the times - "this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal." Can I get an Amen?

I mean, here we were thinking that global warming was caused by all that pollution and the BBC (not the British television channel but rather Big Bad Carbon). Instead, it turns out that the problem all along was caused by our failure to previously nominate Barack Obama to be president. Or am I missing something here? Did something else happen Tuesday night to explain the sudden slowing of the oceans' rise?

Maybe I am wrong, but haven't we been told that the rising oceans are due to global warming? Surely nominating Obama did not change global weather patterns, did it? If it did, then for the first time in my adult life I am really proud of my country's influence on the world (and I do mean THE world, i.e. Earth.) Not since Moses parted the Red Sea has there been such a display of power by a mere mortal.

As for Obama's claim that the planet has begun "to heal," I guess only time will tell, but I for one would not put anything out of the reach of Sen. Obama. If he could wrest the nomination away from Hillary, he should be able to do anything.

Besides, Barack Obama doesn't make promises he can't keep. Does he? After all, if there's one thing we've learned, it's that Barack Obama is not like other politicians.

. Frank Miele is managing editor of the Daily Inter Lake and writes a weekly column. E-mail responses may be sent to edit@dailyinterlake.com