Parents urged to prepare children to make decisions

When his first son was born, Mac Bledsoe received a perspective that dramatically shaped his thoughts on parenting.

This baby is not yours, the doctor told Bledsoe and his wife, Barbara, in the delivery room. He's just on loan to you for the next 18 years.

For 18 years, the Bledsoes were responsible for paying back the loan. They made a payment every day, teaching their son to think for himself and gradually transferring to him control over his life.

That, Bledsoe said, is parents' primary goal: teaching their children how to make their own decisions so they will be successful in life. The lessons should start early and continue until adulthood.

"Whether you want to believe it or not, your children will make all … of the big decisions in their lives," Bledsoe told a large group of parents in Whitefish Tuesday night. "The goal is for them to hit 18 capable of making good decisions for themselves."

More than 600 people attended Bledsoe's presentation in the high school gym. The "Parenting with Dignity" event was based on Bledsoe's books and curriculum of the same name and was hosted by Whitefish CARE and Parents Committed to Kids.

Bledsoe told the crowd he isn't a government- or university-sponsored expert; he's simply a man with nearly 30 years' experience as a teacher and parent. He and Barbara, who live in the Helena Flats area, used many "Parenting with Dignity" techniques on their sons, Adam and former NFL quarterback Drew.

Too often, Bledsoe said Tuesday, parents consider their job "crisis management" and rely on punishment instead of preparation. Most children's decisions - especially those regarding major issues such as sex and drugs - are made before they are in a position to choose.

"The only effective way to raise children is to teach them how to make decisions. Big ones," Bledsoe said.

It's a process not unlike learning to ride a bike, he said. When parents teach children to ride, they give them a push, bandage their scrapes when they fall, and put them back on the bike.

But parents tend to ignore the same trial-and-error process when teaching other skills, Bledsoe said. Parents wouldn't ground a child who fell off a bike, but that's what they do when a child falls short in skills such as responsibility and honesty.

The best way to learn those skills, Bledsoe said, is through practice.

"Yet we think we can teach our children responsibility without ever putting them on the seat," he said. "They need seat time on the responsibility bike."

Children also need to learn that the way they think will shape their lives, Bledsoe said.

It's up to parents to teach them how to think, he said. If there are values and ideas parents want their children to learn, they must be prepared to model and discuss them.

"The ideas in your head will rule your world," he said. "If there are things you believe, you'd better be telling your kids about it."

Bledsoe touched on two of his five rules for parents Tuesday night: Tell your kids what you want, and send children a constant, continual message of love.

Parents must tell children what they want them to do, not just what not to do, he said. Children aren't mind-readers; they will not automatically know what they're supposed to do if they're only told what to avoid.

He also encouraged parents to tell their children they are loved.

"Your children won't know you love them because you sacrifice for them," he said. "They need to hear the words."

When kids know they're loved unconditionally, it's easier for them to resist negative peer pressure and make good decisions, Bledsoe said.

His other tips for parents are covered in his nine-week "Parenting with Dignity" course, which the Whitefish School District will offer beginning in about two weeks. The free classes will be held in Whitefish and Kalispell and will be offered at several times throughout the day seven days a week.

About 150 families have signed up for the classes, which cover the nuts and bolts of parenting with dignity, Whitefish CARE director Michelle Kuntz said. Those who haven't yet signed up for a class may do so by calling Kuntz at 862-8600 extension 449.

Further details are available on Bledsoe's Web site, www.parentingwithdignity.com. He also encourages people to contact him at mac@drewbledsoe.com or 752-8033.

Reporter Kristi Albertson may be reached at 758-4438 or by e-mail at kalbertson@dailyinterlake.com