Sharing the grief

In the quiet moments past midnight, alone as her two children sleep peacefully, Tawny Haynes wonders who will teach her son all the things a boy should learn from his father.

At another home on the opposite end of Kalispell, the same thoughts cross Genny Graham's mind after a long day. She's raising three children on her own.

Their husbands, Montana Highway Patrol troopers Michael Haynes and David Graham - best friends who attended the Patrol Academy together - were both killed while on duty.

Haynes died March 27 this year, four days after his patrol car was hit by a drunk driver south of Kalispell.

Graham died Oct. 9, 2007, in a crash north of Kalispell when an inattentive driver crossed a turn lane and hit him head-on.

Their widows have sustained the friendship their husbands shared, relying on one another when grief erupts, as it so unexpectedly can at times. Ironically, both troopers had brought their wives to the Flathead Valley - Tawny from California and Genny from Missouri - because this was where they wanted to raise their families.

Troopers Haynes and Graham also were friends with a third Flathead Valley trooper, Evan Schneider, who was in pursuit of a vehicle near Bad Rock Canyon on Aug. 26, 2008, when he was hit head-on by another vehicle that was forced into oncoming traffic.

Tawny and Genny are friends with Schneider's widow, Carrie, though they don't get together with her as often.

It was against the odds that the Flathead Valley should lose three of its highway patrolmen so tragically, and in such a short time. The stark reality is the void felt by those left behind.

"You have to keep going," Tawny said. "The hardest part is thinking about what my children will miss out on."

Genny agreed, adding that the routine and flurry of daily life and getting together with friends and family buoy her from day to day.

"The more people I have around, the better," she said.

Tawny and Genny get together at least a couple of times a week, sometimes more. Family movie nights are fun, and recently Tawny treated Genny to a spa treatment.

"You've got to get out or you go insane," Genny said, "even if it's just having lunch at McDonald's."

When Michael died, it was Genny who coaxed Tawny to eat, to keep going one minute at a time. After all, she'd been through the same thing not long before.

"Emotionally, just being there for one another is so important," Tawny said. "There are things we talk about that others wouldn't understand. It's unfortunate we're in this situation, but I'm so grateful for her."

IN SO many little ways, their husbands live on through their children.

"They're little pieces of their daddy," Tawny said. "You feel like you still have a little piece of him with you."

It's the faces they make, the mannerisms, a certain tilt of the head. Tawny's son, Elias, who turns 2 next month, recently took off his shirt exactly the same way Michael did. Their daughter, 4-year-old Taryn, sometimes blurts out: "Daddy always says that," or "Daddy used to do that."

"She's starting to talk more about what happened," Tawny said.

Genny said her children routinely quiz her about what their father used to do, even for things as simple as "Did Dad like syrup on his pancakes?" She, too, sees David in her three kids: Cedric, 11, Chynna, 9, and Caiden, 6. Caiden is a "mini David;" Cedric has his sweet heart; Chynna has his "always on the go" temperament.

Helping her children navigate through their grief is difficult at times, Genny confided. It hits them at different times, then they "move into a new phase and need to understand [their grief] from a different side."

The two mothers have had an enormous amount of help from not only family and friends but also from troopers. A couple of patrolmen accompanied Caiden to his "Doughnuts for Dad" event at kindergarten last year. Each of the widows has an "adopted trooper" who stops by to check on them and their families, to make sure they're OK.

"We each have one that's taken us under their wing. It's a family," Tawny said. "They lost someone, too."

TAWNY has continued her husband's work in bringing attention to the problem of drunk driving. She and Genny traveled to Helena in August where she testified before a committee of lawmakers looking at strengthening DUI laws.

"I told them who Michael was to us," she said. "I wanted them to see the personal side ... how things could have been different. They're looking at the laws and it's exciting to see change happening, to have something good come out of this."

The irony of Michael dying because of a drunk driver is difficult to comprehend.

His father, John Haynes, e-mailed the Daily Inter Lake awhile back, pointing out that when the three fallen troopers first "blew into town, those three young men and others hit the DUI problem with a vengeance.

"Mike had the most DUI arrests last year and the Montana Highway Patrol was proud of that effort ... those young men really cared about this problem and my son's last second on Earth was standing a line against a drunk driver," he wrote.

WRITING about her grief and posting photos of her children on a blog (http://californiagirlinkalispell.blogspot.com) has helped Tawny work through the raw emotions of the past several months. She keeps the online journal as a record of her memories of Michael that her children one day can tap into.

But it's equally therapeutic for her and she writes passionately, sometimes from the depths of despair.

The emotion is raw at times, such as the June 22 entry when she ranted: "I am angry at so many things, so many people... I need God to intervene and calm my heart because I could just scream."

"After I write I feel better," she said, adding that often family members often call her after she's posted an emotional blog entry, just to make sure she's OK.

The latest blog entry, posted after a trip with her children to a local pumpkin patch, reveals hope.

"I have to admit, that while everywhere I looked I noticed Michael's absence, I also saw my kids smiling and laughing and enjoying the moment and I realized that I was having a good time," she blogged. "I am beginning to learn that I have to live my life like my kids do. All we have is right now, so why not enjoy it?"

Features editor Lynnette Hintze may be reached at 758-4421 or by e-mail at lhintze@dailyinterlake.com