Thoughts from a widow's blog

Tawny Haynes started her blog, "It's a Beautiful Life," many months before her husband, Montana Highway Patrolman Michael Haynes, was killed on duty by a drunk driver in March.

Musings about her daily life and her children gave way to emotional and heartfelt journaling as she used the blog to work through her grief.

Posted below are snippets of several blog entries:

April 27

"Today is the one month anniversary of the day Michael died. It was difficult to get out of bed this morning. I sat and thought, and cried and prayed ..."

May 7

"Most days I am okay. Tonight, I was going through my photos and came across this one and just burst into tears. This is who Michael was. That beautiful smile he always had for me and his eyes looking right into me. I miss him. I am angry that he was taken from me and from our kids ... I don't understand why these things happen ..."

July 7

"Today was Michael's birthday. I got some good advice on a perspective I hadn't thought of and it made me realize that Michael probably had the best birthday ever. He got to party in Heaven. I wish he were still here, but I know he is living it up and just praising God for the time he had here with us. He was a good man and he led the best life and now he is enjoying all those treasures he earned here on Earth.

"So, Michael, I love you and I miss you, but we are doing okay. I find comfort in knowing where you are and that someday we will all be together again ..."

Sept. 2

"I'm so tired. My heart hurts. I miss Michael. I just finished watching an episode of 'The Office' and the last time I saw that episode, I was with Michael. Now he's gone. It's so awful how these things sneak up on me ... I expect to cry when I have too much time to think, or when I see a picture of Taryn and she looks like the spitting image of her daddy. Those times are bad, but the worst is when I am suddenly blindsided by the all too familiar reminder that he is gone..."

Oct. 21

"The road to recovery from losing someone you love so deeply is a seemingly impossible one. You look ahead and it is dark and twisty. You feel dark and twisty. You wonder how you will ever begin to take those first steps … but you do ...

"What I have been noticing lately, is that it is getting easier. Don't think I don't miss Michael, but I am able to think about the future. I can make plans. I can do something other than sit stagnant in the past. That is a big step for me. Not to say that I'm super great. It's a lot like Gwyneth Paltrow's character says in 'Bounce': 'Don't feel sorry for me. I'm happy. I'm widow with two kids happy. If you grade on a curve, I'm happy.'

"That pretty much sums it up. With this new skin comes new standards, I'm on the widow scale now. Slightly skewed, but manageable. Just takes a little adjustment ...