DivorceCare program offers nonjudgmental help

Going through a divorce isn’t easy, and that’s where DivorceCare comes in.

The nondenominational Christian-based program is offered to those who are separated, going through a divorce or divorced.

Weekly meetings are offered in Kalispell and Whitefish. Eureka also offers the program in the fall.

Columbia Falls resident Reno Baldwin got involved because he had experienced the pain and sadness of a divorce himself.

“You feel like you’re in the middle of a huge storm and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel,” he said.

Baldwin and his now ex-wife went to four sessions with a private counselor before their divorce. In the fourth session, a counselor had Baldwin’s wife tell him how she felt. “Then the counselor said, ‘I think we’re done here.’ I thought, ‘If this is as good as it is, I thought I would help people do better,’” he said.

DivorceCare can help people at all stages of separation and divorce.

The 14-week course features DVDs and interactive group sessions. Most are co-educational, although Christian Center, an Assembly of God-affiliated church in Kalispell, offers separate sessions for men and women at 7 p.m. on Wednesdays. 

Baldwin facilitates the men’s sessions. He’s been doing it for 11 years now.

“It’s a good place to come and vent,” he said.

Some topics covered in the course include loneliness, depression, finances and child care.

Debbie Hervol was going through a divorce five years ago and found the course at Easthaven Baptist.

“I was desperate to find some help,” she said, adding that it took awhile before she found it.

“I went through [the course] twice because there’s so much information in there and divorce is so traumatic,” she said.

She calls DivorceCare a “safe place to tell your story.”

Hervol has been facilitating the course at Christ Lutheran Church in Whitefish for four years now. The church offers classes twice a week: 11:30 a.m. Sunday and 7 p.m. Thursday. Attendees are welcome to pick and choose the days they come. “We hand out a topic ahead of time,” Hervol said.

“It really changes people,” Baldwin said. “You’re either going to get really angry, or ... improve yourself.

“Every three years you’re married, it’s about a year recovery. We’re here helping guys get through one of the toughest things you’ll ever go through in your life. It will help prepare you for your next relationship.”

Tanya Horn, who facilitates a support group at Easthaven with her husband Brant, went through DivorceCare while going through a divorce in Texas.

“How did it help? I learned I wasn’t alone. It gave me hope,” she said.

“Churches would brush divorce under the carpet,” she said, referring to a prevailing attitude at the time. “There is healing ... in a nonjudgmental environment.”

Quoting one of the themes of DivorceCare, Horn said, “You don’t separate, you tear. Some people heal in the wrong way.”

People often go through a second, third and fourth marriage because they don’t heal correctly, she said. “It’s not an easy process. It’s very painful. Imagine breaking your leg and shooting up with Novocain.”

For people who get involved in a new relationship quickly, the new relationship is Novocain, she said. “It’s Novocain for the heart for a brief time. You take the pain from relationship to relationship and it snowballs.”

The parents have to heal correctly for the children to heal correctly, she said.

Danielle Kimbrell, a Eureka-based counselor, started the program because she saw a great need. “All said, it was so helpful.” She encourages people to be strong again before thinking about a new relationship.

The course covers every topic possible, she said. It teaches men how to deal with anger. Attendees are encouraged to develop friendly relationships with those of the same gender and not get involved in a “rebound” relationship. Single sexuality, forgiveness, boundaries, and how to keep children out of adult issues also are covered.

The hardest thing about DivorceCare is walking through the door for the first time, Horn said. Hervol agrees. “Sometimes they’re just afraid to go through the door.”

Now is a good time to start the course because many breakups happen around the holidays, Horn said.

“With the economy the way it is, marriages are falling apart. I’m kind of a sounding board more than anything,” Baldwin said.

All of the facilitators agree that few of the attendees end up reconciling with their spouse. But all have seen it happen.

“Just because you’re coming doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your marriage,” Horn said. “It means you’re hurting.”

“Divorce is quite possibly the most painful thing you can put a person through,” Brant Horn said, noting he’s also been through divorce. “There is a future, a life after divorce,” he said.

“Sometimes people don’t have the finances” to pay for counseling, Kimbrell said, noting the program is free. Participants may pay $15 for a workbook, depending on the location. Easthaven offers the books free of charge.

For more information, call Christian Center at 752-6426, Easthaven Baptist at 752-7021, Christ Lutheran at 862-2615, Kimbrell at 406-297-7900, or check with other local churches to see if they offer a DivorceCare program.

DivorceCare.org is the online resource.

Reporter Caleb Soptelean may be reached at 758-4483 or by e-mail at csoptelean@dailyinterlake.com.