Valentine gift ideas border on the bizarre

I can always tell when Valentine’s Day is drawing near. My e-mail inbox fills up with all kinds of gift ideas. Some are rather intriguing.

One e-mail was promoting the “World’s Tallest Roses.” Who knew you could order roses that are six feet tall? They’re organically grown on an Ecuadorian farm nestled between two volcanoes at more than 9,600 feet. The enticing offer notes the stunning red roses grow naturally tall in their native soil and are the ultimate in elegance, with each flower opening up to 3 to 4 inches in diameter. The price tag? A mere $279.95 for one dozen.

I doubt I’ll be getting giant roses.

Here’s something else I’m sure I won’t be getting from my sweetie: a $35 “Vegetarian for Life” necklace from the Farm Sanctuary. There’s also a vegan edible chocolate heart for $15.

My husband is in the meat business. I’m much more likely to get a slab of bacon than vegan paraphernalia.

The e-mail from the Farm Sanctuary also promotes farm animal sponsorships that let you support rescued farm animals living at the organization’s sanctuaries. My husband could “adopt” a pig named Riley for me. “Sponsoring this sweet piglet for that special someone in your life is a great way to share your love,” the e-mail exclaims.

I don’t know about you, but the day my husband adopts a rescued pig as a Valentine’s gift is the day he starts sleeping on the couch.

And if the pig won’t do, there’s an ugly duckling named Stella, Romeo the swan or a sheep named Persia that also are in need of financial sponsorship. I’m sure the Farm Sanctuary is a worthy organization; it just seems ridiculous to pair its mission with Valentine’s Day.

Then there are the cosmetically enhanced “pouty lips” for Cupid’s holiday. I got two e-mails sporting photos of people with lips like a blow fish, with this special note:

“Nothing is hotter on a woman or a man than beautiful lips — not the kind that look weird and ‘ducky’ as some Hollywood stars are sporting of late. No, we’re talking a smooth pout with natural, youthful-looking volume that’s oh, so kissable ... especially on Valentine’s Day.”

Ironically, the man and woman pictured look weird AND ducky.

And just when you think you’ve run out of wacky gift ideas, along comes the panty gram. This e-mail encourages couples to “take Valentine’s Day to a whole new level by enabling any woman to send a pair of red, lacy panties to her man.

The man receives the item in a discreet package (frequently at work) with a note attached that directs him to a Web page where he gets a private message from his loved one. If you’re interested, the panty gram costs $24.95 and can be purchased at www.sendapantygram.com.

The panty promotion notes that the idea was “born from the quintessential Valentine’s Day dilemma” of what to buy your loved one on Feb. 14.

Really? Is it that hard to come up with a nice, thoughtful gift? I don’t know about other women, but flowers and chocolate are always in vogue and aren’t a budget breaker. Better yet — a nice bottle of Merlot and a bubble bath. Ahhh, Calgon, “take me away...”

Features editor Lynnette Hintze may be reached at 758-4421 or by e-mail at lhintze@dailyinterlake.com.