Victim shines light on anorexia

At 5 feet 10 inches tall, Mary McRae weighed 68 pounds when her friends and family performed an intervention. She was skin and bones with a concave stomach.

“You get to where you are afraid to even eat. You want to quit, but you can’t,” she recalled. “I lost almost half my body weight, so I’m very fortunate to be alive.”

Now 47, she recovered after years of intense therapy that allowed her to find a happy life now with a husband and children. In observance of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, McRae decided to share her story to raise awareness and give hope to those battling anorexia nervosa, bulimia or binge eating. Between Feb. 28 and March 1, professionals as well as former patients band together to educate the public and help eliminate the stigma of eating disorders.

Because victims feel shame in disclosing their affliction, McRae said they rarely receive the support given patients with other illnesses. She described how she became isolated and consumed with feelings of shame and failure as she lost her career and freedom.

“Knowing that I did it to myself made me even more angry,” McRae said. “Guilt over what I was putting my family, friends and co-workers through weighed on me.”

She recalled the words of a friend who was both a priest and doctor. He told her she was fighting a battle as difficult as that of his cancer patients.

“He said ‘You’re just as close to death as you can be and still be alive, but you are fighting the mental, the emotional and the stigma,’” she recalled. “It’s not a choice. No one wants to be that miserable physically and emotionally.”

McRae’s story begins with growing up in Kalispell with five brothers and a loving father and mother. She said her mother described her as the perfect daughter.

After graduating from the University of Montana, she accepted a job in Southern California where she drove herself to be the perfect teacher. As a perfectionist, McRae said she fit the classic profile of a person vulnerable to anorexia.

“They have high standards,” she said. “They are driven and determined and that becomes their downfall.”

McRae said something triggers the response that becomes an eating disorder in people predisposed to it. Unlike many young girls, McRae was not triggered by nonstop images of stick-thin models and celebrities.

“In my case, it was a broken engagement. I was very angry with myself,” she said. “So then I would go to the gym more often, cut down on eating and pretty soon it just spiraled.”

When she got too thin, McRae, 26 at the time, wanted to stop but she could not. A small inner voice urged her not to break her streak of self-denial.

The longer the starvation continued, physiological changes kicked in that muddled her thinking.

“Your brain is an organ, too, and it shrinks,” she said. “You’re not thinking that you’re malnourished. Pretty soon, you can’t help it.”

McRae said some concerned friends contacted her family to intervene. Her father immediately drove to California to pick her up.

“I went kicking and screaming,” she said.

She was placed in a crisis intervention mental-health facility for six weeks, where she gained enough to get released. McRae said she should have gone to a specialized center for eating disorders because she promptly returned to California and relapsed again.

AT HER WORST point, she would allow herself just 500 calories and then would go to the gym twice a day for two and a half hours of exercise. She recalled fearing sleep because she didn’t know if she would wake up.

After she made a little progress, McRae recalled one doctor telling her that at least his first thought in the morning wasn’t “I hope she made it through the night.”

“I thought ‘This is serious.’ But I still couldn’t overcome it. That voice is pretty strong telling you ‘Don’t do that; don’t eat that,’” she said.

For two and a half years, she lived under voluntary lockup with her parents. She was only allowed to go to her counseling and other medical appointments.

She said the intense therapy forced her to confront the inner demons that scared her enough to risk her life. It was the hardest work of her life.

“I think I finally realized that I deserved a happy life and I think, too, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired,” she said. “I decided I must be around for a reason. I’d better use what I have been given.”

Her cure was not overnight. She would issue challenges to herself such as eating two soda crackers by the end of the day.

It may sound like a small achievement to some, but for McRae, eating the two crackers on the counter was a triumph. She said people have difficulty understanding the payoff she experienced by not eating when she was hungry.

“Oddly enough, it would give you a sense of power,” she recalled. “I can overcome it. I’m not weak. I’m still on track. I’m winning.”

As she got well other parts of her life began to flourish. At 37, she met and married her husband Sean, a police officer.

The two now have two girls and a boy.

“I always wanted a family and that was a motivator,” she said. “I didn’t think I was going to be able to have them because I had done so much damage.”

She said her husband accepts her for who she is and has learned not to make an issue out of food at home. McRae said they don’t want to lead their children down a path where they may become overly concerned about appearance.

“We eat good food to be strong and healthy but there are treats in the house, too,” she said. “We don’t talk about our weight in front of them.”

Her family gives her extra motivation to stay healthy.

During quarterly visits with her doctor, McRae gets weighed, but she doesn’t ask about her weight. She said tells her physician that she doesn’t need to know.

FOR PEOPLE worried about a family member or friend, McRae said they should look for a preoccupation with cooking, food and menus, yet not eating in public or avoiding eating with other people. Also, look for someone taking part in too much physical activity.

“You see them in dance, gymnastics, cross country — that’s a lot,” she said. “It’s a safe way. You may think ‘Oh they are so good and dedicated.’ They might be going to extremes.”

McRae believes one of the reasons she survived was to help other people with eating disorders. She has served as a telephone mentor for some and hopes this message reaches others.

She wants them to understand that they can get well, have a family and go out for an ice cream cone and enjoy it. Her experience with anorexia gives her the insight and compassion to help others.

“I’m not going to be one to say ‘Just eat. Snap out of it,’” she said. “I know the pain they are in.”

Reporter Candace Chase may be reached at 758-4436 or by email at cchase@dailyinterlake.com.