Uneasy questions for post-sequestration America

Sequestration frustration? Do you have a fiscal cliff hangover? Take comfort, America: You are not alone.

A new study by the Foundation for Self Flagellation (FSF) reveals that while politicians are in fact responsible for 99.9 percent of all the “bad things” happening in America, you were actually dumb enough to vote for them in the first place.

Keep in mind, that if you drive a Volt, believe the Constitution is a living breathing document, or if you are dead and voted in the last election, you may be eligible for a one year FREE trial membership to the FSF. Remember to ask your doctor first if self-flagellation or believing in Big Government nonpartisan solutions is right for you. (Side effects include blurred vision, slurred speech, vomiting, diarrhea and voting Democratic.)

The nonpartisan FSF study attempted to have these non-partisan questions answered by ordinary shovel-ready nonpartisan Americans about the state of the economy, the future of America, Obama’s penchant for skeet shooting and Joe Biden’s sexist infatuation with double barrel shotguns. The study found that two out of three Americans were unable to answer questions about the past of America, let alone the future. And not surprisingly, eight out of 10 nonpartisan America voters self-flagellated while Tweeting about the Academy Awards.

Do you actually believe a socialist government of this size can be reigned in by a castrated crybaby GOP?

Sorry, but you may be an extremist radical Tea Party nutcase radical.

Are you tired of the congressional semi-automatic assault on bloated out-of-control government spending?

You ARE an extremist radical Tea Party nutcase radical... maybe even a homegrown terrorist.

Do you long for the days of bipartisan stimulus spending that created “millions” of shovel-ready jobs for ordinary hard-working Americans?

You are an idiot.

Are you a small business owner ready to move to Brazil because of the new Obamacare regulations that destroy your profit margin and make you a criminal for hiring part-time workers?

You are a greedy idiot.

Will you be better off four years from now living on venison and off the grid “up in them thar hills”because you had the audacity to actually believe in the Constitution once upon an American Dream?

No, because Janet has millions of rounds of hollow point ammo and a few good drones.

Will your children be able to plan for retirement by looting copper plumbing from reverse equity bubble housing and still have enough mac and cheese for dinner?

Yes, especially if you live in Chicago or Detroit.

Do the “American people” (not to be confused with “We The People”) deserve what we get for electing the morons who have so thoroughly destroyed the Constitution that Marxist China looks like the Capitalist Kingdom by comparison?

Yes, if you shop at Walmart or live anywhere near a Walmart.

Does it matter if the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (that’s North Korea for John Kerry) makes a provocative propaganda video showing New York going up in flames?

We still haven’t been able to find John Kerry or North Korea on the map. We’ll get back to you on this one. But generally speaking, since they are a democratic people’s republic, its probably OK since it’s only propaganda.

Is a “hateful” video that offended otherwise peace-loving people really to blame for a spontaneous mob that killed four Americans and sacked our mission in Benghazi on 9-11-12?

...What does it matter?!!!

Does Obama only believe in the Second Amendment when it comes to killing flies and skeet shooting?

No, the Second Amendment also applies equally to Joe Biden’s wife when she fires two shotgun blasts off the balcony in the middle of the night.

Is it true that Obama believes in a “balanced approach” to cutting deficit spending?

Yes, especially if you live on the East or West coast and believe in higher taxes for people who already pay the highest taxes.

Can giving tanks and F16’s to Egypt really make the region safer for democracy and the Muslim Brotherhood? (Note: The Muslim Brotherhood is a benign secular organization).

No, because Israel will probably bomb them anyway.

Will Obama’s second term finally bring shovel-ready jobs to Detroit, Michigan and Havana, Cuba, even though he had absolutely nothing to do with it?

Yeah, sure. Heck, why not?

Are there really 58 states, not 57 if you count Cuba?

No, because California and parts of Arizona have already been annexed by Mexico.

Is the nominee for CIA director more qualified to fly drones into Iranian air space than the last CIA director?

Yeah, because he used to live in Saudi Arabia.

Does Chuck Hagel’s confirmation as the new Secretary of Defense mean that he is over-qualified for on-the-job training?

We don’t know, but we will ah... find out.

Has John Boehner stopped crying now because he doesn’t have to negotiate with Obama on the phone anymore?

No, actually he finds himself weeping uncontrollably now anyway whenever the phone rings.

Are superstorms, Al Gore and Beyonce lip-syncing the national anthem the result of climate change?

This was a hard one. We are still wetting our fingers and sticking them in the air one month latter after receiving this question from New York Gov. Cuomo, even though he is not technically a shovel-ready nonpartisan American. But we tend to believe the sky is falling when two liters of pop and a frozen pizza sell for $1,000 in lower Manhattan.

Are Hershey “Bitter Clingers” really Michelle’s favorite snack food after skeet shooting?

No, she only eats them after skiing in Aspen or when Barack is off golfing with Tiger Woods in Florida, whichever comes first. We understand she orders Bitter Clingers by the pallet load from Costco.

Does Joe Biden ever engage his brain before moving his mouth?

There is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that Joe has any of the neurological activity typically associated with normal patterns of human speech.

Does Joe Bidden actually have a brain?

We tried asking his wife, but she was too busy trying to reload her double-barrel shotgun.

Seymour is a Kalispell area resident.