Oh no! Please! Not an invasion of Canadians!
(NOTE: The editor publishes the following letter in the confident hope that it is satire!)
Sens. Max and John, please protect our borders!
You look familiar yet strangely different; perhaps, are you Canadian?
Our senators have once again blocked Congress from controlling our Northern Border by failing to support building a $1 billion low-wage job creating fence across Montana’s northern border.
Those Canadians are sneaking across the border at places like Sweetgrass, Peigan (Babb), and Roosville. In addition there is a secret crossing at the border town of Del Bonita (sounds Mexican, must be a trick) where the border is separated by a two-strand barbed-wire fence between two wheat fields. The border station is open from 9 a.m. until 6 p.m. daily and has a cattle guard on the road between the two countries. In an attempt to make the crossing difficult, Montana has refused to pave a 7-mile section of road at the border.
High-speeding Canadians don’t even let the gravel road slow them down as they rapidly blend into the population.
Our border agents just waive those illegals into the state without concern that they come to our valley to buy our cheap foreclosed properties, shop at our stores (paying full price for goods and services) and claiming our sacred holidays as their own. In addition, they have holidays like the queen’s birthday, Family Day and Boxing Day (the day after Christmas when they take care of and give presents to their servants), which I view as a cover to re-gift unwanted holiday gifts to our people, while shopping for good deals for themselves.
They’ve invented July 1 as their Independence Day. We won the war of Independence, not them; how dare they take a four-day holiday in the middle of the summer.
The Albertans that come here in their clean cars without license plates on the front bumper, are thumbing their noses at our way of life, not carrying guns and not even caring to speak American. Next, we’ll hear on the phone, “Press 1 for Spanish, 2 for Canadian, 3 for French (a courtesy, although no one really speaks it) and 4 for American. You’ll know when they move into the house next to you and begin to plant maple trees in the front yard. Beware of the noxious red maple.
I’ve seen them on the golf courses, gathering in groups of four, laughing and conspiring to take all the good tee times before the natives have gotten home from working in the fields. Have you ever tried to buy a pint at the bar at the end of a golfing day? Pure frustration. Let’s not even talk about those pesky bagpipes, plaid skirts and long ski lines. Whitefish now has curling lanes; I don’t know, something English about driving a car I guess — now that’s scary.
Governors from Arizona and Texas have for years complained that the peso is becoming an accepted currency. Folks, it’s happening here, before our eyes. What’s next? Loonies and Toonies? Now the Canadian government has announced that it will quit minting pennies. That means that the northern hordes will suck up our supply of Lincoln pennies and take them back across the border to their vaults, controlling our currency. Lincoln wasn’t even their prime minister. Our prices for burgers and pop will go up as a result, so beware when they ask for their change in pennies.
They claim they can make oil from sand and pipe it underground to places like Houston. Fool me once. Sand is in Saudi Arabia. Just who are these Canadians fooling? I know where polar bears live and it’s not in the desert. Just what are they up to?
So maybe we should go north and give them a little of their own medicine.
“You look familiar, yet strangely different; are you perhaps American?”
Yachechak is a resident of Kalispell.