COLUMN: Never Trump? Don't stop there! Never anybody!

The Never Trump movement may be dead, but like Frankenstein’s monster, it keeps being sewn back together out of a hodgepodge of scary parts.

The mad scientist in this case is Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol, assisted ably by his own Igor, Erick Erickson of TheResurgent.com (and both of Fox News at one time or another). Together they have invented a monstrous pastiche of faults supposedly inhabited by Donald J. Trump, the presumptive presidential nominee of the Republican Party.

But when you consider what bothers them about Trump (he’s a vulgarian, he didn’t always support gun rights, he didn’t always oppose abortion, he favors tariffs and a strong military, he’s tough on immigration, and he has an eye for the ladies) it’s hard to imagine Kristol and Erickson and their other neo-con buddies supporting any president ever elected — liberal or conservative, drunk or sober.

So let’s consider why the Never Trumpers applying their Olympian standards to mere mortal presidents over the past 227 years could NEVER have supported any of them, not even the Founding Fathers. Turns out that each and every one of them committed offenses against political correctness and/or against the law that make Donald Trump look reasonably good in comparison. We report; you decide. Which prior president do you think meets the Kristol/Erickson Presidential Purity Test?

Never George Washington: Face it, he owned slaves. ’Nuff said?

Never John Adams: He signed the anti-immigrant Alien and Sedition Acts, which gave the president the power to imprison and deport non-citizens who were deemed dangerous or who came from a hostile nation. In the words of Paul Ryan, “It’s not what this country stands for.”

Never Thomas Jefferson: He owned slaves, and engaged in sexual relations with at least one of them — Sally Hemings — which today would be considered rape.

Never James Madison: Slave owner. Led nation into the War of 1812 as result of expansionist agenda to claim Canadian territory.

Never James Monroe: Slave owner. Ordered Gen. Andrew Jackson to invade Spanish Florida during the First Seminole War in an action that was both imperialistic and racist since Jackson not only overthrew the Spanish government but also engaged in war crimes against the Seminole Indians.

Never John Quincy Adams: Elected president through corrupt backroom deals despite losing the popular vote to Andrew Jackson.

Never Andrew Jackson: Slave owner and slave trader. Responsible for the devastation of the Seminole Indians in the First Seminole War (see above).

Never Martin Van Buren: Slave owner. (He just owned one, but how many people are you allowed to own before you are held responsible for crimes against humanity? It seems like one is a good place to start.) Committed genocide against numerous Indian tribes in carrying out the Indian Removal Act. See the Trail of Tears.

Never William Henry Harrison: Slave owner. Sought to legalize slavery in Indiana when he was the territorial governor.

Never John Tyler: Slave owner. Throw in hypocrite. He considered slavery evil, but didn’t free any of his slaves and supported expansion of slavery while he was president.

Never James Polk: Slave owner. Expansionist foreign policy, including invasion of Mexico in Mexican-American War, forcing Mexico to surrender California, Nevada, Utah, New Mexico and parts of Wyoming, Colorado and New Mexico.

Never Zachary Taylor: Slave owner.

Never Millard Fillmore: Supported expansion of slavery into territory gained in the Mexican-American War. Signed the Fugitive Slave Act, which required all escaped slaves to be returned to their masters even if they were captured in free states.

Never Franklin Pierce: Despite being a Northerner from New Hampshire, Pierce supported slavery and enforced the Fugitive Slave Act.

Never James Buchanan: He made the Civil War inevitable by giving legal cover to slavery. The war was thus known in some circles as “Buchanan’s War.” He had also played an instrumental role in having the Missouri Compromise being declared unconstitutional, thus allowing expansion of slavery to a variety of Western states.

Never Abraham Lincoln: He suspended habeus corpus in violation of the U.S. Constitution. Moreover, though he freed the slaves out of necessity, he declared the following five years earlier: “I will say ... that I am not, nor ever have been in favor of bringing about in anyway the social and political equality of the white and black races — that I am not nor ever have been in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality.” And don’t say that he changed his mind, because if it doesn’t work for Trump, it can’t work for Honest Abe.

Never Andrew Johnson: Slave owner. First president to be impeached. Generally incompetent.

Never Ulysses S. Grant: Slave owner. Drunkard.

Never Rutherford B. Hayes: Stole the election of 1876 after losing the popular vote to Samuel Tilden, leading Democrats to give him the nickname “Rutherfraud” and to refer to him as “His Fraudulency.” (So much for the myth of the kinder, gentler days before politics got rough!)

Never James A. Garfield: His administration was tainted by a massive corruption scandal involving the post office. Worse than Trump University!

Never Chester A. Arthur: Early career in the New York Customs House had taint of political corruption, but the worst that can be said about him is that he was remarkably average. Signed politically incorrect immigration bill that banned entry to the U.S. by the mentally ill, criminals and anyone who might be dependent on public assistance. Sounds like something Donald Trump would like, so it means Kristol and Erickson would be shocked and appalled. Never Chester A. Arthur!

Never Grover Cleveland: Sorry, but his morals just weren’t good enough. He fathered an illegitimate child when he was a lawyer in Buffalo, N.Y. (“Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa?”)

Never Benjamin Harrison: High tariffs on foreign goods: Isn’t that a no-no?

Never William McKinley: Imperialist. Fought the Spanish-American War. Ordered U.S. forces to occupy the Philippines and wage a brutal war against the freedom-loving people of the Philippine Republic.

Never Theodore Roosevelt: Imperialist. War-monger. San Juan Hill. Organized revolution to overthrow government of Panama. Sorry, but this guy was a loose cannon. Oh yeah, did we mention that he was a progressive whose left-wing social and economic agenda started us down the path of entitlements and socialism.

Never William Howard Taft: You can thank the big man for the constitutional amendment that authorized the income tax. Bring back tariffs!

Never Woodrow Wilson: Where do we start? In 1916, he won re-election on the slogan “He kept us out of war,” and then in 1917 he promptly led us into war “to make the world safe for democracy,” er, progressivism. Under his watch, the Federal Reserve was created and the federal income tax was implemented. Did I mention that he was a racist who segregated the U.S. Army? Never never Woodrow Wilson.

Never Warren G. Harding: Teapot Dome Scandal. If a scandal is still remembered 100 years later, you can bet it’s Never Warren G. Harding. Plus he was a noted womanizer.

Never Calvin Coolidge: Hmmm, what can we say? Famously remarked to actress Ethel Barrymore, “I think the American people want a solemn ass as a president, and I think I will go along with them.” Might have been role model for Ted Cruz.

Never Herbert Hoover: In 1932, he ordered the Army to break up a camp occupied by thousands of World War I veterans who were seeking to have their service bonuses honored immediately because they were suffering through the Great Depression and could not wait until the scheduled 1945 payment date. To paraphrase a slogan I’ve heard recently, “Make America’s heroes wait again.” Or did that have to do with the VA health-care crisis? Anyway, Never Herbert Hoover.

Never Franklin D. Roosevelt: He authorized the firebombing of Dresden, which would be considered a war crime today. In addition, he comes up short on the marital loyalty front, having engaged in an affair with his secretary Lucy Mercer.

Never Harry S. Truman: From what I heard President Obama say just this week, President Truman is the evil man who dropped the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, thus starting the era of American nuclear terror.

Never Dwight D. Eisenhower: Don’t want to say much bad about this guy — an American hero and all — but nonetheless have to take note of the fact that he cheated on his wife. Sorry, but that’s a disqualifier.

Never John F. Kennedy: He was a serial philanderer who violated the sanctity of his marriage and the dignity of the White House. Hired Mafia thugs to kill Fidel Castro. His lack of experience in foreign policy encouraged the Russians to challenge him at every opportunity, bringing the world to the brink of a nuclear war at least twice (Berlin and Cuba).

Never Lyndon Johnson: Led his way into massive war in Vietnam (See the Pentagon Papers.) Also was a professional vulgarian. Never met a foul word he didn’t savor. Continued JFK’s penchant for sexual escapades in the White House. Makes Donald Trump look like a Presbyterian altar boy.

Never Richard Nixon: Ummm, Watergate bans him for all time, but let’s not forget wage and price controls and a vice president who was convicted on bribery charges.

Never Gerald Ford: He pardoned Nixon, plus he was on the Warren Commission that whitewashed the JFK assassination.

Never Jimmy Carter: Single-handedly ensured 50 years of turmoil in the Middle East by empowering the overthrow of the shah of Iran. Led to the Iranian hostage crisis that humiliated the United States on a worldwide basis. Handled the economy about how you would expect from a peanut farmer: 20 percent prime rate, 18 percent inflation rate. Ugh.

Never Ronald Reagan: Liberal Democrat. Former union boss. As governor of California, he doubled the budgets for left-wing higher education. He increased the state budget by 250 percent in his eight years in office. Increased income taxes in California from 7 to 11 percent for the top bracket. Before Roe v. Wade, he signed a bill allowing abortion to save the life of the mother. He also signed a bill banning open carry in California. Don’t just claim he changed his positions because then you are making room for the new, improved conservative Donald Trump. It’s gotta be Never Reagan.

Never George H.W. Bush: What evil lurks in the hearts of former CIA directors? Gonna keep quiet on this one just in case the National Security rats are reading my column.

Never Bill Clinton: Second president to be impeached, thanks to the Devil with the Blue Dress — also known as Monica Lewinsky. Actually Monica is a pretty sympathetic character, along with Juanita Broadrick, Kathleen Willey and Paula Jones. In each case, it was Clinton who is alleged to have engaged in sexual misconduct, not the women.

Never George W. Bush: I’m gonna give him a pass on his bungled war in Iraq, but nothing forgives his idiotic attempt to incentivize illegal border crossing. His failed border policies make him the unofficial godfather of the Trump Wall.

Never Barack Obama: He has killed U.S. citizens abroad with drone strikes. He left Americans to die at Benghazi. He violated the Constitution with numerous executive orders. You know the rest.

So much for the high bar that prevents Kristol, Erickson, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan and others from supporting Donald Trump. That same standard would have prevented us from ever electing anyone president. But let’s face it. Trump says he wants to make America great again, and in the minds of too many people living in Never-Never Land, America was never great in the first place. Certainly if you judge us by our weaknesses, we look pretty pathetic, but if you judge us by our strengths, then we have been and can be great again. Donald Trump gets that, and so do the American people.

Fortunately, it’s not up to Bill Kristol and Erick Erickson to decide our future. It’s up to us.