COLUMN: Just say no to useless baby products
Our granddaughter Marlena’s first birthday is just days away, so I’m doing what any self-respecting grandma would do. I’m scouring local children’s department and toy stores to find the perfect gift.
Correction, make that gifts, plural. Shopping for little girls is as good as it gets and it’s easy to get carried away.
In my quest for unique gift items I happened upon an article on the Parenthood website that’s just too good not to share. It’s titled “36 Hilariously Useless Infant Products That Your Baby Definitely Does NOT Need,” and there are some doozies on the list.
My favorite useless item just might be Baby’s Poop Alarm, an LED light attached to your baby’s bottom that blinks when it detects a messy diaper. As the author said, “Um, you don’t need an alarm. You’ll know.”
Another one that piqued my interest were the Little Toaders brand AppeTEETHERS brand Baby-Q Ribs, a teether shaped like a slab of pork ribs for $9.99. This one may have merit since Marlena’s grandpa is in the meat business and the king of bacon.
For the baby who’s got everything, there’s Baby Keurig, which makes formula instead of coffee. It costs $250.
The iPotty is another high-tech gadget. It’s a potty chair with a computer tablet attached to it. “This actually exists and it sets up your child for a lifetime of needing entertainment to poop,” the article cautioned.
Temporary tattoos for babies are apparently in vogue, taking the tattoo craze to the worst possible level. The advertisement shows a baby boy with “Mom” tatted across his tiny chest. The baby girl in the advertisement has angel wings sprawled across her shoulder. Just say no to this temptation.
Continuing on the completely useless list is the Snozzie, with the author’s notation: “This is a bracelet that contains a handkerchief type thing so you can wipe your baby’s nose or face off at any point. I repeat: this is a BRACELET full of your child’s drool and snot that you can wear around your wrist.”
There are lots of products aimed at dealing with baby messes that come out of both ends of their tiny bodies. Potty mitts are disposable hand covers that protect during potty training. One would think toilet paper and hand washing would suffice. The Pee-pee Teepee covers little boys’ “private bits” and stops them from peeing in your face. Not sure why a plain old washcloth wouldn’t work here.
The list of useless items continues with wipe warmers, baby perfume and cologne (“Your baby does not need to smell like the Old Spice guy”), slip-proof baby knee pads for crawling maniacs, pacifier wipes, clip-on stroller fans, “baby-kinis” (bikinis for infant girls), baby butt fans and over-the-door baby hangers to hang your baby in a public restroom when there’s nowhere else to put the wee one.
The Daddle is a custom-made saddle for Daddy’s horsey-back ride. More useless stuff: high heels for baby girls who can’t walk. Disposable placemats. And the Crum Cap, a hooded shirt that “eliminates sticky, gooey mealtime cleanup.”
Parenthood also advises parents to just say no to toddler urinals. “You do NOT need multiple receptacles for your toddler to pee in. They’ll find PLENTY, trust me,” the author notes.
If your baby is lacking hair, there are tiny baby bangs you can plaster on your infants to make them look like they have lovely locks. Knitted wigs enable your toddler to look like a human Cabbage Patch doll.
The most unusual items featured, in my opinion, were the placenta teddy bear — yes, it’s made from actual placenta — and cookie cutters shaped like a fetus. Egads.
I’m sticking with the classics: dollies, a rocking horse handmade by grandpa (actually it’s a rocking donkey named Beezer) and about a dozen other gifts yet to be determined. I’m still contemplating the Baby-Q Ribs teether...
Features editor Lynnette Hintze may be reached at 758-4421 or by email at lhintze@dailyinterlake.com.