COLUMN: Obama's terror talk [amplified & expanded]
INTRODUCTION: Last weekend, the United States suffered through yet another terrorist attack — wait, two terrorist attacks — by an enemy to be named later... well, to be named by someone other than the president of the United States.
I watched President Obama’s unctuous speech on Monday morning with an open jaw and a clenched fist. How infuriating it is to watch this man tap-dance around the truths that the rest of us hold to be self-evident — such as, Islamic terrorism is committed by Islamists against their multitude of enemies for the sole purpose of subjugating the rest of us to their seventh-century ideology.
Not every word out of the president’s mouth was a dodge, but enough so that I thought it would be a worthwhile community service on my behalf to provide an expanded and amplified version of the relevant parts of the speech.
Let’s start at the beginning [with my irreverent additions to the original text added in italics and between brackets just like this, and omissions noted by ellipses].
THE PRESIDENT: “Good morning, everybody. [Well, everybody except the people who are in the hospital because of the bombs planted in New York and New Jersey or because they were stabbed by a jihadi in Minnesota.]
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“The investigation is moving rapidly, and as is my practice, I’m going to leave it to the FBI and law enforcement to provide details [because I don’t want to mention Islamic terrorism ever]. I think everybody is aware at this point that there is a person of interest who is the focus of the investigation [whose religious ideology should not be mentioned]. And the FBI can give you further details in terms of how that is proceeding [as long as they don’t call it Islamic terrorism].
“I told Governors Cuomo and Christie and Mayor de Blasio that they and their teams will continue to have all federal support as they move ahead with their investigations, and tracking down every lead, and working to keep the people of this city and of this region safe [because our refugee policy focuses on sending unvetted refugees to small towns and cities like Missoula, Montana, that are far from the major media outlets like New York City].
“Law enforcement is asking for the help of the community. And so to everybody in this region, I want to repeat what we’ve said before: If you see something suspicious, then you need to say something — contact local law enforcement. [Of course, if you do say that you are worried about Muslims acting suspiciously, you will be vilified as a knuckle-dragging Islamophobe by Hillary Clinton, myself and the major media, but please, by all means, say something!].
”In the meantime, I would ask that the press try to refrain from getting out ahead of the investigation. [In particular, don’t identify suspects by their Arabic or Muslim-sounding names because that may be an entirely innocent coincidence.] I am extraordinarily happy with the cooperation that’s been taking place between the FBI and state and local law enforcement officials. They are moving smartly on this investigation. It does not help if false reports or incomplete information is out there. [Which reminds me, how did Trump know it was a bomb anyway? Could he have been involved somehow? Seems very suspicious!] So try to, as much as possible, stick to what our investigators say, because they actually know what they’re talking about. [And they are on the government payroll, so I can convince many of them like Mayor DeBlasio to say idiotic things like ‘We do not see a link to terrorism.’]
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“Meanwhile, while all this is going on in New York and New Jersey, we’re also focused on the stabbing attack at the shopping mall in Minnesota. At this point, we see no connection between that incident and what happened here in New York and New Jersey [unless you mean the obvious connection being that both attacks were committed by radical Islamists, and I’m certainly not going to say that!]. Our attention there is on the people who were injured. And again, we are very grateful that no one lost their life. Thanks to the quick action of a brave off-duty police officer, the suspect was killed and we avoided more people being hurt [plus, thank God, now no one can force me to send the terrorist to Guantanamo!].
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“The FBI is investigating the Minnesota incident as a potential act of terrorism. [Yes, I said, a “potential” act of terrorism because really who knows why the stabber was asking people if they were Muslim before attacking them?] We will direct the full resources of the federal government to make sure that the investigation goes forward aggressively.
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“We will continue to lead the global coalition in the fight to destroy ISIL [which the rest of you call ISIS and which calls itself the Islamic State to confuse people into thinking it represents Islam somehow], which is instigating a lot of people over the Internet to carry out attacks. We are going to continue to go after them.
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“As we take away more of their territory, it exposes ISIL as the failed cause that it is [even though they continue to carry out attacks all over the world]. And it helps to undermine their ideology, which over time will make it harder for them to recruit and inspire people to violence. And we’re going to continue to enlist tech companies and community and religious leaders to push back against online extremist content and all messages of hate [like those advocated by Donald Trump with his Muslim ban and border wall].
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“At moments like this, I think it’s important to remember what terrorists and violent extremists are trying to do. They are trying to hurt innocent people, but they also want to inspire fear in all of us, and disrupt the way we live, to undermine our values. [Therefore, in order for our values to prevail, we must not be afraid of Muslims no matter how many people they kill, no matter how many people they stab, no matter how many bombs they explode. Remember, there is very little chance you will personally be affected by terrorism, so put it out of your mind.]
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“Thank you very much, everybody. And as I said, you will be receiving, I’m sure, ongoing briefings from both the FBI and local law enforcement in terms of the details of the investigation [because you know you can trust FBI Director James Comey to get to the bottom of the problem just like he got to the bottom of the Hillary Clinton e-mail security breach].