The birth of a movement - self-sanctuary or bust!

The Muslim mayor in an obscure New Jersey town has declared that it is now a “sanctuary borough.”

Yes, its true. And according to Mayor Muhammad Khairullah, “No department, committee, agency, commission, officer or employee of the Borough of Prospect Park shall use any borough funds or resources to assist in the enforcement of Federal Immigration Law.”

Americans who have been watching the Crescent News Network for less than a minute know that we have this thing called “Sanctuary Cities” in America for “dreamers” to come here ... just to dream, of course, since jobless Americans stopped dreaming long ago.

Cool! Someone has to dream and it may as well NOT be me.

To understand this all better, it’s all kind of like how Europe is a whole “Sanctuary Continent” for all of North Africa and the Middle East, for people just dreaming of a caliphate ... or like how people in this country with only a brain stem suddenly get offended by a micro-aggression and need a safe space to hide.

As an American who likes sushi and who’s ancestors came over on the Mayflower and fought in the Revolution, I say why not? While we are slicing sanctuary these days into smaller and smaller sushi-size pieces at the expense of sovereignty, why stop the whole sanctuary movement at an obscure borough in New Jersey?

Why do THEY get to decide who or what is a “sanctuary”?

I’m OFFENDED!

So, starting now, despite anything anyone in local, state or federal government might say or think to the contrary, I am my own sanctuary. So watch out, Donald Trump! The best part about the self-sanctuary movement (besides hating Trump) is that it is truly democratic. Just tap those ruby slippers together with me three times and say, “There’s no place like my very own self-sanctuary.”

It doesn’t matter what brand of fake news you think is real, what laws you don’t follow, what kind of uncooked animal protein you eat, if you have a brain stem or a flagellum, what you believe about anthropogenic climate change in distant galaxies, or ... even if you think you are entitled to a free education at the electoral college of your choice, etc.

Like love, self-sanctuary means never having to say you are sorry for anything EVER, because anything and everything is always OK. Unless you are Muslim, forget being one nation “under” God, because we are now one nation under 370 million individual sanctuaries. Self-sanctuary is such a liberating idea, why didn’t anyone think of this before in the Land of the Free?

We have to go back a few years in history to find an answer to that.

The Self-Sanctuary Movement was first dreamed up by dreamers in Lebanon way back in 1776 ... No, I think maybe it was 1976? Anyway, they had a little government over there (a small sanctuary) inside another larger government (a bigger sanctuary) acting like it was the ONLY TRUE Muslim sanctuary and it accidentally caused a war.

Now, don’t be alarmed. Self-sanctuary means that if anyone 18 or older accidentally burns down a town, a collage campus, an American flag or even sets off a small thermo-nuclear device while protesting ... its OK, because it “just felt like the right thing to do at the time.” If you are saving the planet, destroying the planet, saving women in America from men, saving dogs in Korea from Koreans, or even saving Melania Trump from Donald, it doesn’t mean you have some nefarious plan to undermine democracy in America like the Russians obviously do.

On the contrary.

It’s a good thing we get to cherry-pick what democracy really means in America, because based on the behavior of Democrats and Mayor Muhammad in New Jersey alone, I might be misconstrued to define their common core value as something like “mob rule” ... or demob-crazy. What does demob-crazy have to do with Muhammad in New Jersey you ask? Well, do we have sovereignty or sexist sanctuary in America?

Let’s ask Hillary.

All this sanctuary talk has Hillary declaring that apparently, “the future is female.” Like wow! Who would have guessed THAT? I bet no one in one-child-policy China did.

So Mayor Muhammad in New Jersey, you may just have to let future females vote or, God forbid, drive cars for the next few millennia in New Jersey.

Does Hillary even drive a car? Oh, well, no matter. Don’t stop dreaming about tomorrow, Hillary!

Hillary, in case you didn’t know, under your new “future is females” rule, even though you don’t know how to drive a car, you can jump the border and run for president of macho Mexico. But just don’t try that in Afghanistan. With all the bombs we haven’t been dropping, they still have no sanctuaries for women over there ... yet.

If both Hillary and Muhammad get to host self-sanctuary states within a state, what will happen to what’s left of American sovereignty? … Or, I mean, “white male privilege”? Who gets to govern in a sanctuary? The jihadists or all those females the future already belongs to? It’s not like men and women in America can both get along here as easily as they do in those safe Middle Eastern sanctuary countries.

Well, to sum up, both Hillary and Mohammad have come out in fervor, I mean, in favor of “sanctuary cities.” These cities I have been told, refuse to enforce antiquated, racist, xenophobic laws that favor anyone who is actually American. Both Hillary and Mohammad want to build a utopian world in their own image. Kind of like Dear Leader’s North Korea, but even better.

Contrary to what anyone who has a small undifferentiated brain stem might think, both future females of the world and Islamists have a common core. It seems they both like to march in the street, burn stuff down or just leave a mess.

But don’t let that scare you. You are safe in your very own sanctuary now.

Seymour is a resident of Kalispell.