Liberal Democrats and the 'Green New Deal'

As a conservative, I am used to liberal Democrats accusing me, or the people I vote for as: sexist, bigoted, misogynist, racist, xenophobe, homophobe, climate denier, hater and dumb. I admit, I don’t know what some of those big words mean, but I never thought, until now, that they were right about me being dumb.

Liberal Democrats just introduced the “Green New Deal” and its brilliance caused me to doubt my intellectual capacity. I never knew eliminating cow gas could help stop climate change. I have thought if you eliminate people gas you could save a room, but cow gas ... the whole planet! Brilliant!

Dullard that I am, I wondered if deer, elk, buffalo, antelope and other wild animals that would replace cows on the prairie have gas, exposing my intellectual deficits. Wild animals are “natural” or in liberal science “organic.” They either don’t have gas or it doesn’t contribute to climate change.

If cows weren’t replaced, what then? Vegetation and trees would grow to astounding levels and of course huge fires would result from lightning strikes etc. Wouldn’t those fires contribute to climate change? Once again the liberal intellect was ahead. Natural fires do not contribute to climate change because, well, they are natural. Manmade fires would be illegal and never occur.

What about the ranchers going out of business? Well, given the value of their land, many are in the top 1 percent and must do their “fair share” in saving the planet. They could grow beans and cabbage, which will help save the planet from cow gas.

Next, retrofit every building in the country for energy efficiency. How to pay for it? No problem. Tax the rich and pay unemployed ranchers $15 an hour to fix the buildings. Redesigning and packing a small space with people will replace “bad” heat with survival quality body heat. Cabbage and beans give people the (hopefully) gas-free energy needed for heat which saves the planet.

They propose only renewable energy in 12 years. Solar and wind aren’t enough; nuclear is not in liberal science, “natural” renewable trees must be the answer. What about the lost jobs in oil, gas and coal. No problem, they will be rehabbing buildings at $15 per hour.

I admit, liberals have this all thought out. My suggestion: they should make volcanic eruptions illegal. Hey! Maybe I’m not so dumb after all.

Gary Fitzpatrick lives in Lewistown.