Ban this book now!

It has come to my attention that there is a book in our library that is simply unsafe and unsuitable for children. Yet it’s everywhere.

The violence in this book is just awful. Tortures. Disembowelment. Brother killing brother. Heads served on platters. Not metaphorically either – real heads on real platters.

The book has walking-dead skeleton zombies. Entire battlefields of people rising from the dead to do the unimaginable. (Can you imagine?)

And sex! This Solomon singing on and on about his lover’s lady parts. Ungodly sex drips off other pages. Adultery. Polyamory. So much oral sex there is an entire TOWN of sodomites! (Makes me wonder what their high school mascot was.)

This book sets a terrible example for teens. Underage drinking, for example. A young man sneaks wine into a wedding – with no picture ID! And he is praised for it! Zero accountability.

The bear attack is shocking to consider. This character, Elijah, who is actually one of the good guys, orders bears to (pardon to delicate ears) maul children! Forty three children die! Why this could make our kids fear going into Glacier Park for their entire lives.

In the book’s defense, about halfway through the authors introduce this really nice character named Jesus who dresses like a hippie and talks all about love and sharing. But then he starts disrespecting rich people and even assaults honest bankers trying to make a buck in the free market system, so I guess he’s a commie or something.

I found out (via my internet research) this book has already become very popular worldwide and has been used to groom vulnerable young people into all kinds of antisocial behavior, from slavery to wars to worse. Do your own research.

So it’s time to strip the library shelves of the Bible. While we are at it, let’s get rid of the Koran and Torah and those Eastern Philosophies as well. If not for adults, at least for young people and simpletons who cannot tell fact from fiction.

If fire codes and that pesky left-wing constitution won’t let us burn the books, we need to ban them. If we can’t ban them, then ostracize them. Wrap them in plan brown paper and stuff them in a closet and only let adults look at them after they’ve passed an IQ Test and an Oath of Loyalty.

Look, if we can ostracize books because of gender and race, then let’s move on to religion. And history. And politics. Library board member Carmen Cuthbertson says that banning books is “something that totalitarian governments do.” True! But why should they have all the fun?

God help us, we can’t let parents do their job and oversee the reading habits of their children. We need unelected appointees of local government to step in and do it for them. We can’t let professional librarians make these kind of choices, they’re overeducated elitists.

Have you been in the library lately? So many books, videos and music waiting to be challenged. Most of them mention some kind of sin or use naughty swears. (Aside from perhaps the do-it-yourself and cookbook sections.)

Imagine how lovely our library will be after our Purge of Purity! Imagine how much more shelf space will be available. Imagine how much time and tax dollars we can dedicate to quibbling over content, language, syntax, cover art. Why it never ends.

We need to bring our community back to the days of crew cuts and bobby socks, when music was printed on discs and we could burn the Devil’s music like the Beatles and Elvis in great heaps of melting vinyl. So satisfying. Just deleting digital files is nowhere as emotionally gratifying, trust me.

Censors of righteousness, pick up your scissors and Sharpie pens! It’s time to redact. What did anyone get from reading anyway? A headache? Bifocals?

I know it never did me a bit of good. And I say that goes for you and your kids too.

Ben Long is the Senior Program Director for Resource Media. He lives in Kalispell.